Advice for a Young Woman Looking to Go Somewhere

This article is inspired by this article by Ryan Holiday. Notice the similar title and formatting; he deserves credit for that.

This article is also inspired by what I wish someone had told me a long time ago — before I went off and spent my parents' money on a state university education, or even after I landed my first “job.”

It’s certainly not comprehensive. But it’s the best I have for you today.

Here goes:

• Don’t hedge, hem, haw, or hold back. Your dreams matter. Your goals matter. Don’t hold back. If you want to be a stay-at-home mom, be a stay-at-home mom. If you want to be a world-class investor, be a world-class investor. And if that vision changes along the way, go for it.
• Realize that your gender has a potentially negative effect on how you see yourself. There have been numerous studies conducted to prove that young women who are required to mark their gender on standardized tests perform worse on the math and science sections than they do if they don’t have to mark their gender. You must overcompensate for this implicit bias you hold against yourself by training your mind against it.
• Apply to jobs that you’re under-qualified for. Not drastically under-qualified for, but partially. Women historically are less likely to do this than men. In fact, studies show men will submit an application if they have 60% of the prerequisite skills and experiences; women rarely will submit if they don’t meet 100%. [Insert corporate cliche here: You can score if you don’t play the game. You can’t learn if you don’t try.]
• Deserve to be in the room. Or as, comedian Steve Martin might say, “be so good they can’t ignore you.” Work on whatever craft or skill you want to get good at. Practice in public. Practice in private — relentlessly. Become so good that they must start paying attention to you because you are just that good. Focus less on getting in the room, and more on being worthy of being in there in the first place. When you deserve it, you’ll know it. And if someone discriminates against you then, you’ll fight your way in if necessary.
• Bring your personality into the workplace. You don’t have to dress in grayscale colors. You don’t have to play hardball. You don’t have to put motivational posters up on the wall. But you can do those things. Be yourself — whatever that means.
• Relax a bit. Not everything has to be perfect all the time.
• Learn to negotiate. In Dax Sheppard’s podcast interview with Mila Kunis, she shares a revealing story. Turns out it wasn’t until after marrying Ashton Kutcher that she realized she could sit in on project negotiations and demand higher pay. She thought that was completely up to her agent and manager. Ashton had been running negotiations for years. You don’t get paid what you’re worth; you get paid what you negotiate.
• Refuse to compromise on your morals. Don’t do it. Whatever you get paid, whatever opportunity you get as a result, it won’t be worth it. If it requires that you go back on your morals, remember that you have to live with it forever. That’s a hefty price to pay.
• Realize anger in itself doesn’t solve problems. Being pissed that men in your office get paid more than you doesn’t get you more zeros on your paycheck; negotiating does. Being pissed that you lost on that bid won’t get you the next one; writing a better proposal, making better connections — that does. Activate your anger towards progress.
• Vulnerability is a pathway to victory. I don’t mean vulnerability in the sense of crying in the boardroom for the sake of it or putting yourself out there romantically. I mean cultivating the ability to speak truth, take honest criticism, and attack fear. Wrap your identity up in your ability to dive into what others cannot.
• Learn strategy. The difference between those who succeed in the long-term and those who don’t is understanding the fundamentals of strategy. That is, being able to float above the timeline of one’s life and plan out the appropriate moves.
• Self-educate (a lot). Read books. Watch YouTube videos. Listen to podcasts. Ideas In = Ideas Out. Or as Seth Godin might say, Garbage In = Garbage Out. Feed your mind ideas that will get you the edge.
• Don’t blame the world; decide to change it.
• Listen to your gut. When a man in a business situation comes on to you in a way that gives you an “icky” feeling, don’t question it. Listen to it. You have that feeling for a reason — figure out what it is and why. I made this mistake early on in my career. I didn’t listen. And it didn’t end well.
• Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t be both. You can be a good woman, a good mom, a good feminine energy and still be a total badass lawyer, consultant, author, entrepreneur, nurse — whatever. Be both if you want to be; don’t let anyone convince you that you can’t be.
• Get comfortable being uncomfortable. If you want to go places, you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. You have to tell yourself that discomfort is a good thing. It’s as simple as that. The feelings of fear won’t go away; you just need to reframe them.
• Build a growth mindset. If any human can do it, you can do it. It doesn’t matter where you live, what socioeconomic class you grew up it, what your education status is — you can fucking do it. Just believe that you can and put in the hours.
• Follow through on what you said you would do. Your word is all you have in the end.
• Watch out for fear disguised as justification. When you find yourself needing you to justify your words or actions, realize that there is some deeper insecurity that must be dealt with. Figure out what it is and tackle that instead of trying to explain to someone why you said or did what you did. This includes justifying why you are still at that job.
• Realize you have nothing to prove. If you are trying to prove something, you’re already at a loss. If you are trying to be of value, you are headed for a win. The chip on your shoulder may actually be inhibiting your success.
• Seek mentors out that are like the person you want to be. It’s better to find someone that you want to be like than someone who is doing what you want to do. Their morals, ideas, and personality will rub off on you. You don’t want to get advice from a shitty person — who is extremely successful in one vertical but has no close friends or family.
• Don’t gossip. This is self-explanatory. It’s a waste of time. It’s terrible for the soul. And it’s just flat out wrong.
• Emailing is not the same as working. Organizing your inbox is not the same as working. Answering email is not the same as working. Working is doing something to move the needle forward. Invest your energy what moves the needle.
• Your Portfolio > Your Resume. What you’ve done matters more than where you’ve worked and what your job titles have had. Employers, business partners, and colleagues want to know what you’ve made happen.
• Remember: men are not the enemy. There are a lot of really good men out there. Check your biases at the door. Approach people with loving compassion; if they are mean, then fuck ’em. But in the meantime, don’t walk around with a big “fuck you” plastered on your forehead. That’ll only make you look like an asshole in the end.
• The score takes care of itself. Do the right thing over and over. Give and give some more. Or as Gary Vee might say: “Jab, jab, jab.” You don’t need credit. Forget about credit. Just keep plugging away. Eventually, people will “notice” your worth.
• Hide social media and games in a folder on the back page. If you want to go somewhere, somewhere far from here, there’s little room for distraction. Playing games or scrolling mindlessly through social media during the day is essentially telling the Universe you don’t really care.
• Don’t take on too much, but do what it takes.
• Choose something and get good at it. It’s okay to test some things and figure out where your true interests are. But at some point, you have to double down and get good at one thing. Otherwise, you’ll be terminally mediocre. The good news is once you get good at that one thing, you’ll have more freedom to try other things too.
• Focus on the process. Having external goals is great, but you have to realize all that’s in your control is how you move your feet in this moment. Do something now.
• Business can be personal (and maybe it should be). You can be an actual human being in a business setting. You can admit to failures, talk about real life stuff, and at the same time gain more respect, trust, and leverage. I’m not talking about sharing about all your sexcapades and blackouts, I’m talking about real shit. That real shit can earn you real street cred if you do it right.
• Remember what matters. At the end of life, you may look back and wonder why you did what you did. Make sure that meaning, the why of what you do, is infused into every step.
• Don’t listen to people like me. Don’t listen to dumbass people who haven’t done something worth your attention yet. Or do. I don’t know.

Thanks for reading! :)