I’ve had a similar experience in the years since my mom’s died. I was blessed to have a beautiful, yet imperfect relationship with her. There were shadows we never talked about. Things she did I never forgave. Things I said that I never forgave myself for. What’s helped me is writing her letters — owning everything I didn’t have the chance to say or tell her while she was alive. The bad and the good. For me, that’s been cathartic. It may work for you, too. Either way — thank you for sharing your truth. It resonates in a way that I don’t have words for.